Photo by Eilis Garvey on Unsplash
A Quick Note Before We Start
This post was originally written during a very busy season of life when I was juggling parenting, work, and trying to figure out what our blended family even looked like. I’ve updated parts of it for clarity, but I’ve tried to keep the heart of what I wrote intact.
I’m not a professional. I’m just a mom in the Midwest doing my best to raise a whole lot of kids while learning as I go.
Blending Families Isn’t Perfect
What is so special about our family?
Honestly… nothing and everything at the same time.
Raising our kids wasn’t easy and it didn’t always come naturally. There were a lot of hiccups along the way, but we kept trying. When I talk about our family here, I’m mostly talking about the big kids — the ones who are now adults.
They are the ones we learned how to parent and step-parent with.
And like most parents, we didn’t get everything right.
Respect Comes First
One thing we were always clear about:
We never expected our kids to instantly love their step-siblings.
We didn’t expect them to instantly love their new step-parent either.
But respect was non-negotiable.
I tried to make sure every child felt seen and heard as much as I possibly could while our family kept growing.
Did I succeed every time?
Absolutely not.
If I could go back, there are many things I would do differently. But I think that’s part of parenting when you truly want to do your best.
You learn as you go.
Keep Communicating
Blending families while adding new babies can be rough.
Real life, real talk — nobody is perfect.
No family is perfect.
No parent is perfect.
No child is perfect.
There will always be issues.
What matters is how you handle them.
Take time to explain to your children that they matter and their opinions matter, even when life changes. Let them know it’s okay to feel frustrated about a new step-parent, step-siblings, or even a new baby on the way.
They don’t have to love the situation immediately.
But they do need to respect the people in it.
Don’t force the “one big happy family” narrative on kids who are still adjusting. Give them space and time to figure out what their new normal looks like.
The Adult Chaos Crew
Our Adult Chaos Crew includes kids 1 through 4.
They range from their mid-20s down to 18.
Three girls. One boy.
These are the kids we learned how to parent with. The ones we probably messed up more than we would like to admit — but hopefully they know they were always loved.
One — The Oldest
She is Mr. Chaos and his ex-fiancé’s only child.
Her mom isn’t part of our daily life. Unfortunately, she has struggled with addiction and 1 has chosen to keep some distance for her own well-being.
Mr. Chaos didn’t find out she was biologically his until she was five years old, and they lived halfway across the country from each other. They didn’t meet in person until she was eleven, when he moved closer to her state.
I’ll be honest — I wish he had stepped up sooner.
And I’ve told him that.
He was a grown man being manipulated into not having a fully functioning relationship with his daughter. That doesn’t make it okay, but it explains some of what happened.
Once I learned about the situation, I gave him some pretty blunt advice.
There was a court order for parenting time. That meant showing up.
Every other Friday.
No excuses.
And after that conversation, he never missed another visit.
Sometimes parents need tough love too.
1 moved in with us during her senior year of high school when her mom’s addiction worsened. She needed stability and safety, and our home became that place.
Today she’s in her 20s, working a steady job she enjoys and building her own life. She lives nearby with her boyfriend and still shows up for holidays and family gatherings.
She’s still finding her way, but she knows she always has a place here.
Two — The Most Vocally Opinionated
2 is my oldest child from my first marriage.
She will be getting married this fall to her high school boyfriend.
They’ve had a tumultuous relationship over the years, and like any parent, I hope they continue putting in the work to grow together.
She is a huge dog lover and currently has four very high-maintenance dogs. Recently I had to leave work to help find two of them when they escaped and ended up trapped in a neighbor’s backyard.
Three of them are runners who apparently think their almost-acre yard is not big enough.
She struggled with anxiety starting in middle school. A difficult relationship with her dad and some unhealthy teenage relationships added to that struggle.
Over time, though, her dad and I eventually learned how to co-parent peacefully. I actually get along well with his current wife.
Our family is… unconventional, but it works.
She recently bought a house close to us and works as a pharmacy technician. Like many people in their 20s, she’s still figuring out exactly what direction she wants to go in life.
And that’s okay.
Three — The Oldest Boy
3 is my son from my first marriage.
He is quiet most of the time — until he decides to talk. Then he can talk forever.
He loves video games, books, podcasts, and online communities. Music isn’t really his thing, and he is perfectly content living a very simple lifestyle.
Gift giving is a challenge with him.
After one conversation he told me he’d rather receive practical things for birthdays and Christmas: socks, underwear, shoes, toiletries.
His reasoning?
It saves him from having to buy them himself.
He works nights in a warehouse while figuring out what direction he wants his life to go. He briefly tried college but decided he didn’t want to continue pursuing a career he chose as a kid without really understanding it.
I’ve often wondered if he might be on the autism spectrum. When he was younger I was told that because he made eye contact he couldn’t be autistic — something we now know isn’t accurate.
Information has changed a lot in the past fifteen years.
For now, he’s finding his own path at his own pace.
Four — The First Baby
4 is the youngest of the adult kids.
There’s a five-and-a-half year age gap between her and the next child, so she spent a long time as the baby.
She has always been dramatic — even as an infant.
She was the only child who required complete silence to sleep. Even the smallest sound would wake her up screaming. Our tiny two-bedroom house turned into a nightly survival experiment trying to keep everyone asleep.
In elementary school her teachers described her as the peacekeeper among her classmates.
But middle school and high school were harder. Between anxiety, health issues, and academic struggles, she eventually switched to online schooling during her senior year.
One thing I learned through her experience:
Advocate for your children.
If a problem exists in elementary school, it often grows as schoolwork becomes more complex. Foundational gaps follow them into later grades.
She graduated high school and is currently figuring out what comes next.
And honestly, I want her to enjoy being young for a little while longer.
What We Learned
Kids 1 through 4 are our Adult Chaos Crew.
They are the first half of our big family and the kids we learned parenting and step-parenting with.
Google became my best friend.
Pinterest and parenting blogs helped too.
When I didn’t know what to do, I thought about what I wished I had experienced growing up in my own dysfunctional blended family — and I tried to do better.
Every day I wake up trying.
Every night I go to bed still trying.
Even when it’s exhausting.
Our Marriage and Parenting
Our marriage isn’t perfect.
We both came into it with our own baggage and past experiences.
But there is one thing we have always been completely united on:
Our kids.
No matter what else is happening in our lives, we will always go to battle for them.
Two’s Wedding
With 2’s wedding coming up, I feel like maybe we did something right.
She chose roles for almost all of her siblings.
Two of her siblings are bridesmaids.
3 is an usher.
5 and 6 are helping with the guest book.
7 will be the flower girl.
And she wants Mr. Chaos to walk her down the aisle.
Moments like that remind me how lucky we are.
Holidays, Birthdays, and Family Life
Getting our entire family together isn’t always easy.
But we manage to have everyone in one place at least once a month.
All ten of us.
We take yearly family photos and show up for birthdays, holidays, and big milestones.
We’re not perfect.
But there’s love, respect, and a bond that even some fully biological families struggle to build.
Tidbits of Parenting Advice
Love your children more than you hate your ex.
Don’t expect a perfect blended family. That doesn’t exist.
Trust your gut and research when you’re unsure.
Every child deserves to feel important.
Treat your child the way you would want to be treated.
Leave space for their other parent and extended family.
And remember — once your children become adults, nothing forces them to stay in your life.
The relationship you build with them now matters later.
Take my advice or leave it.
I’m just a mom from the Midwest raising what sometimes feels like fifty million kids.
But I’m trying my best.
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