Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
Disclaimer:
This post reflects my personal perspective and experiences during a difficult time for our family. Some identifying details have been simplified for privacy. The events described are based on our experience navigating a high-conflict co-parenting situation and court process.
Something about the Christmas tree seems to bring out the entitlement of toxic family members.
Why do holidays bring out the crazy in people?
Sweet silence for the majority of the year. Then, BAM. The weather turns cold, the turkey is carved, and the text messages start.
“I have presents for my grandchildren!”
“Why won’t you let them see us?”
“Why are you keeping deserving grandparents away?”
“You are too controlling!”
“What are you scared of?”
Text messages that my husband, Mr. Chaos, received early Christmas Eve morning from his ex-father-in-law, Toxic Grandpa.
Rare Contact
Toxic Grandpa has only messaged a handful of times in almost 18 months. Most of the messages were received in the last couple months. They were similar in tone and once included a veiled reference to possible legal action.
From what we understand, in our situation our state does not grant grandparents independent visitation rights.
We took full custody of 5 and 6 almost 18 months ago. It was a long, exhausting court battle but in the end it was worth it. The judge ordered that Mr. Chaos would maintain primary physical custody.
Their biological mom, Ex-Wife 2, was ordered to follow a step-up parenting plan beginning with paid supervised visits. It may seem harsh to some people, but the court determined it was in the best interest of 5 and 6.
How Do You Handle This?
As parents, this is a difficult situation.
How do you decide what is the right choice for your family?
Do you remove toxic family members completely?
Do you allow contact?
Or do you try to walk a careful line somewhere in between?
(For more context see Toxic Grandparents and Adults Intimidating Children at a Hockey Game.)
Mr. Chaos and I debated what to do for months. We researched, talked with therapists, child advocates, and lawyers.
5 and 6 are at that in-between age. They are no longer little children who need parents to make every decision for them. But they are also not quite adults who can process everything and make fully informed choices.
Toxic Grandpa does not seem to see how his choices to support his daughter’s actions hurt 5 and 6. In our view, he chose protecting his daughter over acknowledging the safety concerns surrounding his grandchildren.
“I Know You Are, But What Am I?”
He accused Mr. Chaos of being controlling, yet he refused to give 5 and 6 their Christmas gifts unless they came to visit him.
From our perspective, that felt less like generosity and more like pressure.
It’s hard for him to see the truth. The controlling behavior in this situation isn’t coming from their father. And it isn’t coming from me.
The Past
For eight years during the 50/50 custody arrangement, we walked a very careful line.
We wanted peace for the kids. We tried not to interfere with what Ex-Wife 2 did during her parenting time unless it affected the children directly.
Looking back, we probably trusted the situation more than we should have. At the time we thought we were doing the right thing by avoiding unnecessary conflict.
The Crossroads
In 2023, everything changed.
Information came to light suggesting that 5 and 6 had contact with their mom’s husband, who is listed on the sex offender registry.
Mr. Chaos made the decision not to send the girls back for parenting time while that individual was present.
I want to be very clear: we do not recommend violating a court order. He was advised by both his lawyer and law enforcement that refusing parenting time could have serious legal consequences.
But in that moment, he believed the girls were at risk and chose to prioritize their safety.
Later conversations with the girls indicated they had been instructed to keep certain contact situations secret from their father.
That moment changed everything.
Trying to Keep Grandparents Involved
When this happened, Mr. Chaos reached out to Toxic Grandparents. He wanted to keep them in the girls’ lives if it could be done safely.
There was a heated conversation.
They later spoke privately with 5 and 6. According to the girls, once they realized we were no longer in the room, the conversation shifted toward criticism of their dad.
After that, things deteriorated quickly.
At the request of 5 and 6, we allowed occasional contact but never required it. They were never forced to speak with their grandparents and were never left alone with them.
Eventually the communication stopped.
The Messages the Girls Received
Before going silent, Toxic Grandparents also sent messages directly to the girls.
Messages like:
“You should be ashamed of yourself.”
“Can we say manipulated?”
As time passed and contact remained minimal, the girls began to open up more about what they had experienced.
As a parent, it is heartbreaking to realize your children were carrying things like that alone.
Where We Are Now
5 and 6 are just entering their teen years — incredibly important years for identity and emotional development.
I am also very aware that I am their stepmom. If I am not careful, they could easily begin to blame me for the decisions being made around them. That awareness guides many of the choices I make.
Their mom has since moved to another state. It would be easy to completely close the door.
We could cut contact.
Pretend their maternal family doesn’t exist.
Pretend their little sister doesn’t exist.
Some families make that decision. But that is not who we want to be.
It would also be easy to allow unsupervised visits and ignore the red flags just to avoid conflict.
But that didn’t feel right either.
The Decision We Made
After a lot of discussion, Mr. Chaos decided not to completely cut ties with Toxic Grandparents.
Instead, we established boundaries.
They are allowed to communicate with 5 and 6 through the girls’ phones. We do not encourage contact, but we also do not prevent it.
If the girls choose to pursue a relationship with their grandparents, they have the opportunity to do so.
And we will support them in whatever decision they make.
There Is No Perfect Answer
This situation is something we discussed in depth.
There is no blueprint for families like this. There is no universal right or wrong answer.
Every family has to decide what they believe protects their children best.
For now, that means we tolerate the occasional barrage of messages.
We maintain boundaries.
And we keep hoping that someday the adults involved will choose to do better.
Until then, our priority will always remain the same:
Protect the kids.
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