Photo by Nick Scheerbart on Unsplash
Content Note:
This post discusses high-conflict co-parenting, court proceedings, and therapy experiences during a custody dispute. It reflects my personal perspective and recollection of events at the time. Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the children involved.
When everything blew up last summer, my husband, Mr. Chaos, requested a school-based therapist for 5 and 6, two of the children in our blended family.
We were incredibly lucky. They were assigned to an amazing therapist who helped stabilize things during one of the hardest periods our family has faced.
Months later, after a long drawn-out ordeal, they began seeing a family therapist who turned out to be… much less helpful.
Family Therapy During a Custody Battle
Family therapy is often recommended during custody disputes, especially when children are struggling with conflict between parents. In theory, it can help improve communication and repair relationships.
In reality, when parents are in a high-conflict situation, family therapy can become just another complicated part of an already difficult process.
Our experience with family therapy started during an active custody case and quickly became more complicated than any of us expected.
Individual Therapy
Their individual therapist helped them work through the limbo we lived in during the child custody modification case.
Mr. Chaos was forced to file for the modification after concerns arose about the girls’ safety and well-being in their mother’s household.
During those early sessions, the therapist helped them:
- identify the difference between safe and unsafe people
- recognize their self-worth
- understand that children are not responsible for adult emotions
Most importantly, she became a safe space for them.
PSA
Parents going through hard seasons need support.
But children should never feel responsible for their parent’s mental health.
Lean on a therapist. Lean on friends. Lean on literally any other adult. Your children can be your reason for pushing through the hard times, but they should never feel like the weight of your survival depends on them.
That’s just my personal opinion… and one shared by many professionals who work with children.
Where the Road to Family Therapy Started
During one of 5’s early sessions, she requested family therapy that included:
- Mr. Chaos
- me
- and their mother
She wanted all of us to get along.
That’s actually a very normal request for a child caught in the middle of a custody conflict.
We had already tried to go above and beyond to support 5 and 6’s relationship with their mom while also making decisions we believed were necessary to keep them safe.
Temporary Matters Mediation
Mr. Chaos likely would not have received temporary physical custody without the therapist’s professional input.
Before the temporary matters mediation, I contacted the therapist to ask her opinion about what would be in the girls’ best interest.
She had been seeing them for about a month at that point.
We weren’t looking for someone to take sides. We genuinely wanted to know:
Should Mr. Chaos fight to keep them in our home?
Or should he agree to send them back?
Her professional opinion mattered to us.
Just in the Nick of Time
Right before mediation, my phone buzzed with an email from the therapist.
During that period, every email related to court made my heart race. Sometimes I would even feel physically sick when a notification popped up.
We opened the message as we were walking into our lawyer’s office.
Her professional opinion was clear. She believed unsupervised contact between the girls and their mother could be harmful to their mental health at that time.
For the first time, it felt like someone outside our home understood what we had been seeing.
It was the beginning of the tide finally turning.
During mediation, after discussing the therapist’s concerns and recounting a recent incident where the girls had run away from their mother’s home, Ex-wife 2 agreed that visits would temporarily move to supervised contact.
She also agreed to:
- allow the girls to continue individual therapy
- participate in family therapy
For the first time in a long time, it felt like a few things were moving in the girls’ favor.
Maybe the Beginning of Family Healing
5 and 6 made one thing very clear.
They would only participate in family therapy if Mr. Chaos and I were present.
Unfortunately, that created another conflict.
Ex-wife 2 strongly objected to my presence and insisted the sessions should only include her and the girls.
The girls’ therapist tried to find a middle ground and suggested an adults-only introductory session so everyone could discuss expectations before involving the children.
Considering we were actively in court, that approach made sense.
Eventually the first meeting was scheduled.
The adults attending would be:
- Mr. Chaos
- me
- Ex-wife 2
- and her mother (Toxic Grandma)
Why Her Mother?
Originally, Ex-wife 2 wanted to bring her husband.
However, due to his status on the sex offender registry, the children’s therapy clinic did not allow him to attend sessions in their office.
Because of that, she requested that her mother attend instead for support.
The therapist agreed.
Getting Somewhere
At the time, we were just relieved to finally be moving forward.
We went into that first session feeling hopeful but extremely anxious.
If you want to read how that session actually went, see The First Family Therapy Session.
Spoiler alert: it did not go well.
A second session was scheduled but ended up being canceled due to illness.
Oddly enough, that cancellation gave everyone a little breathing room after the chaos of the first meeting.
Nothing Can Ever Be Simple
When the therapist tried to reschedule, Ex-wife 2 stopped responding in the group message.
From what we later understood, she communicated privately with the therapist but not with the rest of us.
Around that same time, the girls’ individual therapist removed herself from participating in the family therapy process.
After witnessing the first session, I completely understood why.
The First Official Court Hearing
Because mediation only resulted in a partial agreement, Ex-wife 2 requested a court hearing for temporary matters.
She believed Mr. Chaos was violating the parenting arrangement and wanted a judge to intervene.
The claim didn’t hold up, but it forced everyone back into court.
The Reality
According to testimony and evidence presented during court proceedings, concerns had been raised about parenting decisions that affected the girls’ safety and emotional well-being.
Those concerns were the reason the custody modification was filed in the first place.
The Temporary Ruling
The judge issued a temporary parenting plan that included:
- continued supervised visits
- specific days and durations for contact
- approved supervisors chosen based on who the girls felt comfortable with
The court also ordered:
- continued individual therapy
- participation in family therapy
Both parents were instructed to agree on a family therapist within seven days and update the court within fourteen.
No Cooperation Like Usual
A few days after the hearing, the girls’ therapist tried to help coordinate a new family therapist within the same clinic.
The therapist had actually been recommended by Ex-wife 2’s lawyer, and Mr. Chaos agreed.
At that point we were under a court deadline to get family therapy started, so communication about scheduling actually mattered.
We still had the group chat from the previous therapy attempt. I meant to message the therapist privately, but I accidentally sent the message to the entire group.
Me:
“She is out of town and you know what happens then.”
That comment wasn’t random. By that point, a pattern had developed. When Ex-wife 2 traveled out of state to visit her husband, communication about the girls usually stopped until she returned.
The next day she responded.
Ex-wife 2:
“Please tell me what happens when I visit my husband, my daughter and my in-laws because last I knew we are not friends.”
Me:
“You don’t usually respond until you return from your trips or when your husband leaves.”
Ex-wife 2:
“I am on a trip out of state visiting family. I am not always available.”
Me:
“Okay. Have a good day.”
And that was the end of the conversation.
But that short exchange highlighted a much bigger issue we had been dealing with for months.
The Backlash
Throughout the custody case, Ex-wife 2 frequently told others that Mr. Chaos was “blocking” her from seeing the girls.
In reality, the court had already ordered supervised visits and family therapy, and we were actively trying to schedule both within the court’s timeline.
At the same time, there were repeated periods where communication stalled when she traveled out of state to visit her husband.
By that point in the case, her husband had spent extended time living with her, and she had also taken several trips to visit him after he moved.
Four days before the court’s deadline to begin family therapy, she canceled a scheduled visit with the girls because she was traveling out of state again.
For us, the contradiction was difficult to ignore.
Publicly, the narrative was that she was being prevented from seeing her children.
But in practice, there were multiple times when court-ordered parenting time and therapy scheduling simply stopped while she was away.
And the court deadlines didn’t pause just because someone decided to take a trip.
Looking back, that moment in the group chat said more about the situation than the message itself ever could.
Family Therapy Still Nowhere
Three more months passed without family therapy starting.
Eventually the court scheduled a sanctions hearing regarding the lack of progress.
I remember waiting hours to hear back from our lawyer and feeling sick with anxiety.
When he finally called, he explained the situation.
Mr. Chaos had agreed to two therapists.
Ex-wife 2’s attorney had stopped responding.
We were told not to worry because we had complied with the court order.
Finally, Maybe There Is Hope
One day Mr. Chaos received a phone call from a family therapist.
It was the original therapist we had agreed to months earlier.
Shortly after that call, the sanctions hearing was canceled.
Someone had finally followed through.
Family Therapy Intake
We went into the intake session cautiously hopeful.
Unfortunately, it quickly felt like the process was starting with assumptions already in place.
The therapist worked at the same clinic as the girls’ individual therapist and had access to some background information, but she had not yet spent time with the girls.
We hoped that once she did, she would have a clearer picture of the situation.
Court Ordered and No Other Options
By that point, we felt trapped.
The judge had ordered family therapy.
At the same time, the therapist made it clear that she did not allow courts to dictate how she conducted sessions.
There were red flags.
But after months of delays and court pressure, we didn’t have many options left.
Mr. Chaos made the difficult decision to allow the girls to attend the sessions.
When Court-Ordered Family Therapy Doesn’t Go as Planned
What followed was six months of difficult therapy sessions.
The process didn’t repair the damage the way we had hoped. In many ways, it added new layers of confusion and frustration for everyone involved.
After each family therapy session, the girls met again with their individual therapist. Those sessions became a place where they could process what had happened and work through the conversations from family therapy.
She helped them sort through the emotions and reminded them of something they had already been learning for months — that the conflict between the adults was never their responsibility to fix.
Looking back, family therapy didn’t solve the situation the way we had hoped.
But it did reinforce something important for us as parents.
Even when systems are messy, adults disagree, and court orders complicate everything, the most important thing we can do is keep showing up for our kids and making sure they have safe people helping them make sense of the chaos.
It wasn’t perfect.
But protecting them and supporting their healing was always the goal.
And that part… we will never stop fighting for.
Leave a Reply