It’s Not Just Stress
It’s not just stress.
It’s the kind that never fully turns off.
The Moment My Phone Goes Off
My phone goes off, and before I even look at it, my brain is already moving.
Oh no, what happened.
I’m checking the time.
Running through scenarios.
Figuring out how fast I can get where I need to go.
Who can help.
What needs to shift.
All before I even read the message.
Sometimes It’s Nothing… But It Still Costs Something
Sometimes it’s nothing.
A quick question.
A normal text.
Something small.
And I take a breath.
Respond.
Go back to what I was doing.
Like nothing happened.
But Something Always Does
Because I never fully turn off.
I pause everything when my kids need me.
Every time.
No hesitation.
Work can wait.
Everything else can wait.
They come first.
But that also means my brain is always… ready.
Always watching.
Always calculating.
Always prepared for the next thing that could go wrong.
It’s Not Just One Thing Anymore
It’s not just one thing pulling at me.
It’s diabetes.
It’s dance.
It’s everything that comes with trying to keep life moving forward.
If you’ve ever tried to juggle something unpredictable like this, you know how quickly everything can shift—even when you think you’re prepared.
And just when you think you’ve found a rhythm… something else pulls your attention in a completely different direction.
The Part That Never Fully Leaves
And then there’s the part that lingers in the background.
The part that never fully leaves.
The kind of presence that doesn’t always show up loudly—but changes how you move through your day anyway.
It’s not always something happening in the moment.
It’s knowing it could happen.
And that’s enough to keep you on edge.
Living in “On Call” Mode
I’ve been in this “on call” state for almost three years.
And I don’t think I realized how much it changed me until now.
I’m more stressed.
More exhausted.
More snappy than I used to be.
I don’t smile as much.
I don’t relax the way I used to.
Because I’ve learned that the moment I do…
That’s when something hits.
If you’ve ever felt like life doesn’t give you space to come up for air, you probably understand that feeling of constantly holding everything together—even when you’re running on empty.
Who I Am Right Now
I am someone who is always worrying.
Always trying to be ready for the worst-case scenario.
Because too many times, I wasn’t ready—and I had to figure it out anyway.
And I don’t know how to turn that off.
When being “ready” has become the only way to keep everything from falling apart.
This Isn’t Burnout
This isn’t burnout.
It’s something quieter than that.
It’s living in a constant state of almost.
Almost relaxed.
Almost calm.
Almost able to breathe.
But not quite.
Where I’m At Right Now
And maybe one day that changes.
But right now…
This is where I’m at.
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